Notes to Danish~~

He’s the big brother now. Because of that, I always assume that Danish will be the one yang akan jaga adik dia. I always get him involved when it comes to taking care of his baby sister, I asked for his help a lot – getting clean diapers, wet tissue, throw dirty diapers in the dustbin, put dirty clothes in the laundry basket etc. More than often, he’ll lend his hand, walaupun kengkadang tu, it’ll take like 5 minutes and 2-3 items before I received new clean diapers. OR maybe…. I’ll get it fast, but instead of 1 piece, I get a whole bag of diapers. Sudahnya, jadi kerja pula untuk mama mengemas. But just so you know, I did appreciate every little things that you do for your baby sister, although in between, I become the angry bird momma!!

There was one time, when I was still sleeping, I overheard Danish playing with his baby sister. Worried that Danish-si-muka-legend-hati-kiut would go beyond excitement and hurt her, I take a glance towards them. I saw Danish touched his sister forehead affectionately and called her ‘dedek’ – a name given by him himself, it was supposed to be ‘adik’ by the way. He even gave her his car toy and forced asked her to play with it. I was so touched with what I saw. I know that he loves his sister dearly. He’s gentle, attentive and loving toward her. And furthermore, what touches me, he is willing to share his toys with her. Previously when I was still pregnant, I was worried that Danish will be jealous over his baby sister. I was once told that bigger sibling will usually hit their baby sibling out of jealousy. But it’s not the case with Danish. He only seems ‘jealous’ when he ask me for something, or need my attention when I was feeding her. Yet, it was only for a moment, after his needs is attended, he’ll no longer bother if I were to continue hold/feed his baby sister. Sometimes, I just pick him up and sit him together with his baby sister while I feed her. And he did not bother at all to ‘share’ me with her.

However, recently I felt guilt towards him. Since I was busy taking care his baby sister, Danish was always left alone. I expect him to be independent as I presume and somehow I set my mind to believe that he is able to take care of himself and no longer needs much of our attention. Sometimes, he’ll be sitting at the floor watching television by himself, while some other times he’ll be playing with his car also by himself, usually he’ll felt asleep afterwards. When come to think of it, it touched my heart, I failed to remember that he’s just two years old. He just a little kids who still need his parents, who need to be console when the astro went interrupted during bad weather, he actually afraid of this, who would wail when he could not pull his pants down, who would ask for ‘momom’ when he gets hungry, who would laugh and straight away run to the bed to lie down when he saw his ‘cucu’ (susu), who would get angry if his crane toy could not lift his toy car - which is bigger than the crane, etc. Anyhow, all in all, HE. STILL. NEED. US-his parents., to help him to grow up.

To Danish;

Mama wanted you to know that every little thing that I do, is based on my love towards you. I’m trying hard, very-very-very hard, to be a good mother to you and your little sister though I know at times I feel like I failed doing it. I’m only human which is still learning, and I’m slowly picking up. Motherhood isn’t always easy, especially to a career woman like me. If, and only if, I get mad over things, I wanted you to know that it wasn’t that I don’t love you, but……. it was indeed because I love you. Hmm, maybe someday, some other days, when you’re parents yourself, you’ll eventually understand. And I really hope that you’ll understand that……. I love you with all my hearts.